They'd been warned, and they'd still broken the rules. On multiple occasions now, and sometimes they'd faced consequences, sometimes not. It was hard to say which offenses would earn them the ire of their captors and which they would let slip by, but clearly their efforts had been noticed, if they were on some list. March had outlined the rules clearly, said he would show up personally if they were broken, and at least in his case, March had done just that. Though he'd only seemed to assist Wei Wuxian with getting away with his espionage, not stopped him.
Who were these doctors? The Walrus and Carpenter that he'd run into before had both seemed to know enough of their world's healing arts to reattach Zewu Jun's arm, but they weren't twins. And the names werent' on the list he'd found in the queen's council room. Not the nameless suits that appeared when there was trouble, but somewhere, perhaps, above that. Who did they report to? Who gave them the list? Just what were they doing with the names on it? Would they all be chased down when they're alone and vulnerable? Or only if they encroached upon places they didn't belong?
"Mm, we'll have to be on our guard," he nods, though he's not really sure how much more cautious they can be without wrapping one another in pillows and cotton and silks and not leaving their rooms. In any other circumstance, he'd at least be able to acknowledge that they're on the right path. The more severe the retaliation, the more they know they're going in the right direction, so his soul-twin must've been far too close to something important. It's not even the first time Wei Wuxian has lost memories here; all the more reason to start finding better ways to hold onto and disperse their information.
"Not so long ago, I ran into- into the other me," he looks up at Lan Zhan, across the table, "he was wandering the halls aimlessly, couldn't remember how he'd gotten there. Do you think they're singling him out? Messing with his memories because of the things he's seen?"
He can see the confusion on the other's expression, and he felt himself confused also. Despite it seems the Queen wants them to enjoy their stay, her people don't exactly seem to mirror her sentiments toward the oysters. For Lan Wangji, he has to play a part in the Sect's politics, and at times, being deeply embroiled into the conflict to represent the Lan clan. For him, this is a different field altogether, not knowing what kind of conflict they found themselves to unwittingly a part of.
But what is it that Wei Ying knows that makes him a target and a source of political danger? At this point, there's no going back, and Lan Wangji is ever on guard.
"I think so. Why else they want to kill him? As for that, he was reckless and at one time, I found him intoxicated from the night-club. The source is the alcohol and the drugs found in the drinks." Which he is looking at Wei Wuxian squarely in the eye, knowing he can hold his drink in large quantities.
His soul-twin has been here longer, and honestly, he's no idea just how many places and people he's run into. When March warned him about the White King, Lan Zhan was quick to mention that he and the other Wei Wuxian had already spoken with him. He'd witnessed his other self using Inquiry to speak with the spirits here, and his soul-twin had even mentioned that he'd been caught before too, imprisoned while March waited, just out of sight.
He had his own list of indiscretions, rules he'd broken, and secrets he'd hidden away, but the staff here had rarely come after him. And even when he'd used the code to explore, March had actually showed up to help, not hinder, not chase him down, and certainly not thrown him to a pack of wild dogs. Was it just bad luck? Was he being singled out?
He catches the stare from Lan Wangji, unsure what to make of it. It's not as if Lan Zhan hasn't caught him in the night-club, in much the same condition.
"Ah... in his defense, the drinks there were far stronger than anything from home. And don't they want us to enjoy the drinks here?"
Meanwhile, the waitress returns with their order and that's when he fell silent. She placed the drinks and cakes on the table, and Lan Wangji waited until she's out of the earshot. "Thank you." He said. He sighs, seeing his teacup and cakes being laid out before him.
Turning back to Wei Ying, "Wei Ying. I mean it. Be careful what you're given and take care not to eat and drink anything. You should ask what it does and do, and not just eat and drink recklessly out of someone's hand." At least, any hands that isn't his or his soultwin's.
The waitress sets a highball glass in front of him with something that smells reasonably strong, as well as a water glass, which he pointedly ignores for the time being. He understands what Lan Zhan wants to say, but he can't help feeling argumentative. It's not like his soul-twin was caught because of what he was drinking, was he?
"The teas tend to be trouble far more often than the liquor," he points out, gesturing to what Lan Zhan is drinking before he starts downing his own glass.
"Why? Was he- the other Wei Wuxian, was he drunk when they went after him?" he's not sure why the sudden lecture, but aside from frustration when Wei Wuxian was drinking alone, he didn't think it bothered Lan Wangji all that much.
He only nods and releases a sigh, not in the mood to scold him. Seeing the drink Wei Ying orders for himself, he frowns, trying his best not to loose his temper and snatch it, just to throw into the sink, as he had to his partner.
He feels despondent at the question, that he picks at his cake with a fork, trying to find the will to eat. It did bothered him.
"He did. It was a strong mix. It took him a long time to detox until he felt like himself. Too much of that can make you ill."
Despite how similar the Lan Zhan from his world is to this Lan Zhan, the differences make it difficult sometimes as well. The little tells he knows from Lan Zhan's face don't always translate, and reading one or the other can be hard with that alone. If he had to guess, this Lan Wangji seems... both irritated and rather down, and he really hasn't mean to contribute to either of those feelings.
If his soul-twin had been intoxicated when he was caught, he supposes Lan Zhan has fair reason to worry. The drinks here could be strong, a lot stronger than the stuff back home, but he was pretty sure he knew his limits. He'd only drunk beyond them the one time at that nightclub! Okay, and maybe that other time when he and his soul-twin had tried to drink one-another under the table. Still, only a couple times in as many months that they'd been here wasn't so bad.
"So, you're worried I'll make the same mistake?" he presses, setting down his glass, his fingers idly tracing the condensation.
"That's easy enough. I can just make sure to only drink with friends. Or with Lan Zhan. Or back in my room even," he didn't particularly like such rules, but drinking was more fun around friends anyway. Wei Wuxian might have his vices, but even he understood the difference between having sneaky drunken parties at Cloud Recesses and letting his guard down around an enemy.
"I am. I am worried that you will, that you let your guard down. One of you is more than I could handle. So promise me that you'll be careful. He died the first time back home. He died the second time here. I don't know if I can take him back home in one piece." He sighs, distraught as he carries the weight of his guilt in his chest. He managed to eat a little bit of his cake and tea in bite-size, which he felt like he hasn't eaten in a long time and trying to chew and sip, but his thoughts are distracting.
"Wei Ying, don't be reckless." He means that, voice heavy with solemn weight.
"I'm careful..." he replies softly, though it's mostly mumbled and muffled against his glass as he glances aside. Unlike the Lans, Wei Wuxian is under no obligation not to lie, not that he thinks he's been all that reckless, despite lectures from both Lan Wangji and Dabo. And Shepard.
He takes a long pull from his cup, affording him a moment to gather himself. This Lan Wangji has more experience returning to their home world and coming back again than the rest, and even he is worried that whatever magic brought his Wei Wuxian back might not enough to keep him that way when they return.
Still, what can he do? He can't even say he wouldn't have made the exact same decisions, and the exact same mistakes, if he'd been in his soul-twin's position.
"I can promise to try, Lan Zhan," he concedes, "and I have been more careful than when I arrived! But I can't change who I am. And I can't let other people take risks for me."
Somehow, he really wanted to believe him on that, about being careful. He couldn't bear losing him too, to something so senseless as being murdered by a resident and native of this world who may hide a hidden grudge against him. If they do, he's prepared to defend him by his side at all cost.
Even with his reassuring words, he still worries. What if he's gone and he never sees him again? He wouldn't be able to bear it and stand it.
He nods in agreement with that. "Mn." He manages to finish eating the rest of his cake and then washes it down with his tea.
It seems to be enough, Lan Zhan isn't pushing the point any further, and at least he's able to finish his dessert and tea. Wei Wuxian has been nursing his glass, but he kicks back the last of it, enjoying the warmth as the alcohol burns the back of his throat.
He's tempted to reach across the table, to squeeze Lan Zhan's hand, anything to reassure him, but he's not entirely sure where he stands anymore, or if he's overstepping, now that this Lan Zhan's Wei Wuxian has come back.
"And what about Lan Zhan?" he tries. Lan Zhan might not be the sort to spill the deepest feelings in his heart, but Wei Wuxian isn't sure he can stand to think of him looking so heartbroken and despairing as he was before his Wei Wuxian had returned.
He isn't over-stepping at all. He would have squeezed his hand back if he tried, but one month from now, he'll be a married man. Even now, he is always grateful for his help and support and his friendship, that his heart always has a place for him. However after marriage, the dynamic may change quite a lot, and he has to restrain himself due to his duties. He nurses his cup of tea and searching inside of his heart to spill his honest emotions.
"I'll be fine. I'm getting better. I'll be only okay when you and my Wei Ying are okay. If anything happens to one of you, the both of you, then I don't know what I'll do. I am so fond of you both. I want you both to be safe and happy, and not worrying."
Wei Wuxian knows now that his Lan Zhan loves both him, and his soul-twin. And he'd really used a word as strong as love to say it. It was hard not to feel a little jealous, but the other Wei Wuxian was... well, Wei Wuxian, just as much as he was. It was foolish to be jealous of himself, then, he'd reasoned. And Lan Zhan said he'd even talked about it with the other Wei Wuxian, that they should still be good friends, so...
"I'm glad to hear it," he says, and means it. At least, that he's glad Lan Zhan is feeling better. He can even understand the sentiment, because he knows he'd be inconsolable if something happened to Lan Zhan. Either of them. And... the fondness too, though that's harder to admit.
"Lan Zhan," he stills his fidgeting hands in his lap, glancing aside, because it's much easier than worrying about how his heart will pound if he looks into Lan Wangji's eyes, "there's a lot I'll never be great at saying."
And a lot he'd never thought he'd need to think about, let alone say.
"But it seems only fair, since my soul twin beat me to it, getting both Lan Zhans to fall for him," he clicks his tongue and tries to keep some laughter in his voice, "I was just... scared, I guess? Does that even make sense? Scared of what going missing did to you, scared that maybe I was just convenient and there, scared I'd messed everything up... I shouldn't have ever doubted Lan Zhan's feelings."
He finally glances over the table at Lan Zhan, meeting his golden eyes, a note of reprimand in his voice that's mostly teasing, because he can't keep a hint of a flush from his face or a smile from creeping in.
"But! Weren't you sly! Telling me about your feelings when everything was in such a panic! Stealing kisses! Who is shameless now?"
Lan Zhan is quiet, listening to him, and almost trembling from self-restraint. There are several things he is afraid of. Losing Wei Ying, seeing him cry, being terrified of what the hotel can do to them, separating them, taking one's life away as a punishment, and Wei Ying's terrible temper. He observes him, seeing the look of defeat on his face, wanting to say words that he wanted to say. The laughter and teasing seem forced and half-hearted. He sensed his fear. He isn't convinced that he is happy for him, sensing his hurt.
"Being convenient is not kindness. You have not messed everything up." Wordlessly, he rose from his seat, went over his to side to slide his arms around his waist and pulls him up, and gives him a hug. "Then I'll take the blame for being shameless because I want what I shouldn't have, for what isn't mine. So, please forgive me for being unkind to you."
Hugging him tight in his arms, "Wei Ying." That's it. Just a soft murmur of his name. "You're hurt."
Smiles and self-deprecating jokes have been what he's fallen back on since, well, for as long as he can remember. Which makes it really difficult, because Lan Zhan's blunt honestly always manages to cut him to the quick, and he sees through most of Wei Wuxian's bluster like it's not even there.
He honestly isn't sure what to expect when Lan Zhan stands, and it leaves him feeling flighty, having shared too much because his mouth just wouldn't stop rambling.
"I- wait, no- Lan Zhan, that's-" he couldn't think of Lan Zhan as unkind. He'd been nothing but kind ever since he'd arrived here, confused and acting a fool. Wei Wuxian wants to tell him so, to argue the point, to insist there's no need for forgiveness or apologies.
He wants to, but that hug pulls him tighter, and he feels so very exposed.
You're hurt.
Wei Wuxian's knees wobble, just a little, and he knows it's not the tightness of the hug making him feel breathless.
"I'm not," he insists, but it's muffled into the fabric of Lan Wangji's robe, childish and tinged with tears. He doesn't dare look up, his cheeks already feeling hot, his throat tight, he can't show Lan Zhan that kind of face.
He hugs him tightly for a few moments and gently shushes him as he cries, trying to comfort him. This is a different type of hurt, and this one is entirely his fault.
"You are." He argued. "And it's my fault. I kissed you because I was grateful for your help and I was selfish. But it meant a lot to me, so it's not an empty kiss. Because you always helped. I thought just once, and I will never do it again with you, and even then you didn't hate me, but continuing teasing me for my shameless. You don't have to be scared if I'm gone missing. Because meeting you is fate. I just think this place is cruel to bring us both together."
Very gently he relaxes his hold on him, "You belonged to him. But a part of me also belong to you, that always wanted to spend time with you, that always worry for you and love you, and never wanted to leave by your side. This part of me is yours and that kiss is yours."
Being embraced like this, treated as something precious, it's- it's still something he's getting used to. His past life was full of people who wanted him dead, and from the sound of things back home, it was still true in this life as well. Love was just a hassle, so long as he had family. But that had crumbled, in the end; his family was gone, or so full of vitriol they were glad to see him dead. He was weak to these soft gestures, when the world around him had been so hard.
He'd be lying if he said he didn't like being kissed by Lan Wangji. No matter what world, the man was all wild passion hiding behind that cool exterior. It's hard to find complex meaning beyond that, beyond what his body wants and soul yearns for. It's always been Lan Wangji. And if they have to stoop so low as to make rules, like his soul-twin had with his own Lan Zhan, well, Wei Wuxian could respect some rules.
"I just... didn't know what to think. I wouldn't hate Lan Zhan. I guess, what I've been trying to think through and trying to say is- I care about you very much, love, worry about, whatever it's worth, whatever it needs to mean. Lan Zhan will always be my soulmate, I just- I didn't think it would still be true across other worlds."
He manages to wipe his face off, scrubbing away any remnants of red rimmed eyes before facing Lan Wangji, "I'm glad, even to have a part of Lan Zhan for my own."
Then it would fair for Wei Wuxian to allow to make rules for himself. Lan Wangji by his own nature is normally obedient...until his unbridled passion breaks through, and his self-restraint is called into question to control himself and his wild side. His self-restraint is starting to slowly crumble everytime Wei Wuxian cries and feels too much.
A fire lights up in his heart when this one calls him his soulmate. It's more than he can ask for. What he needs from him, a confirmation that they share a bond, and that Wei Wuxian wanted him, what he wanted to give, and he claim it. "Then don't think. Listen to what your heart says. It makes more sense. It's that heart that I want to follow."
He then realized they're in a restaurant, in a public place, so he steps to give a little distance. He has some time for him. "Wei Ying, a part of me belong to you. I want you to see it. I want to spend time with you. If you have a place where Wei Ying is Wei Ying for this soulmate, and it's for his eyes only, then I'll go with you for the limited time we can have." They have to figure how to make this work somehow to help lower the tension and stress, and forget their obligations if only temporarily. Keeping him company and feel less lonely is a start, considering he did the same for him during a crisis.
His face is still flushed, when Lan Wangji steps back, and it'd probably be embarrassing for anyone but Wei Wuxian to be standing around a restaurant with watery, red eyes, but he just rubs the end of his nose and leans back into his chair.
Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
Both Lan Wangji have told him so, time and again. Wei Wuxian is so often impulsive, making decisions on a whim, following wherever his heart pulls him. It's not until recently, until he has known enough loss and knows what it's like to have something he would do anything to keep, that worry and doubt set in. How long could he hold onto it? How long before those who cared realized it wasn't worth the trouble? He knew those were the sort of things Lan Zhan meant, when he said not to think.
"Then," he nods faintly, but the smile that returns is real enough, "I look forward to continuing to bother Lan Zhan."
Lan Wangji frowns, seeing his flushed face and his tears that sting at his eyes, crying from all the stress that troubles him. He grabs for a napkin and with it, wipes at his eyes, and offers it so he can use it.
"You're too humble. You should demand more." He sighs. He waits until he collects himself. There has to be away, it can be done. He reaches for his wrists to pull him up.
"Let's go. Not here. We can go to the library. I'll draw you a picture with the art supplies there."
"Lan Zhan, I have been called a lot of things, but no one has ever accused me of being too humble," he laughs, drying his eyes and shaking his head. Humble, of all things.
"Aren't I the most shameless? What more could I ask for, let alone demand?" he lets Lan Zhan pull his wrist, following him toward the exit. He wouldn't even know where to start. It already felt like Lan Zhan spoiled him, showing him so much affection, dragging his lazy body out of bed to get him ready for the day, playing for him, drawing, writing, if he could, he'd probably find a way into the kitchen to cook too.
The library seems to have become their place, and Wei Wuxian cant' say he doesn't enjoy it. It's quiet, which he's sure Lan Zhan likes, and hardly anyone comes here. And there's never a shortage of paper or art supplies.
"I know. You had many names, but Wei Ying is one." Once he rose to his feet, he lets go of his wrist, and eventually he holds one of his hands, fingers interlacing as he leads him out to the exit. "Come with me."
"And no, not shameless. You can ask for my time and I'll be there when you need me when I could." He can do all of those activities. Platonically. Being physically present. Express his affection that way to keep him company. Acts of service without expecting anything from him at all, and keep giving. Just a few moments of just being themselves.
The library is a place of quiet, and Lan Zhan can draw and write for Wei Wuxian to keep. It's the one thing that comes to mind to give him a gift as it's the thoughts that counts. On the way, he grabs sheets of paper, art supplies for his medium, and finds a seat to sit down at the table. And he has Wei Ying sit down next to him and lean on him for comfort if he wants too.
"Anything that comes to mind. But I'll draw flowers for you." As he begins drawing, he started with red peonies.
It seems a fine line to walk, but one this Lan Wangji seems content to walk with him, and in the end, that's all that matters. He follows, drawn along by their clasped hands. The movement has an echo to it, and it feels like drawing new memories over the worry and panic of just days before.
He settles in at Lan Wangji's side, shoulder to shoulder, and puts thoughts aside, as requested. Wei Wuxian leans in close, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder to watch him work.
"Hmmm," he drawls out as he watches Lan Zhan's bold strokes, drawing out the clear shape of a peony. He did say Wei Wuxian should be more demanding, so...
"Draw me, draw me," he grins, even if it's hard to see from this angle, "I want to see how I look to Lan Zhan!"
"..." Lan Wangji was very tense at first, but the moment he laid his head on his shoulder, he relaxes, the tension from his expression softens. His expression shows nothing, but he keeps his focus by picking up colored pencils, because it's easier to draw with them over paint-brushes.
He drew bright red peonies. Then he drew Wei Ying the way he see him. He drew him just as exact. "Wei Ying is Wei Ying." he answered. He drew a cherry blossom tree next, adding in a lot of pinks petals, the branches, the tall trunk over the figure of him as the cherry blossoms rains over him.
Finally, the portrait is finished and the picture is complete. "Wei Ying is like a flower. With love, he blossoms." He explains the symbolism. "When he loves, it's like a soft fragrance of a flower. It's a heavenly scent."
After all the tension and stress and worry, just sitting next to Lan Wangji and doing something as mundane as drawing felt admittedly nice. And if it helped with the same for Lan Zhan, so much the better. The longer he leans into his side, the more natural it seems, and Wei Wuxian loops his arm through Lan Zhan's at the elbow, settling in to watch.
When he'd come here before, doodling with a drunken Lan Wangji, the drawings had been meant to comfort, to remember fond things about the world he was from. About this Lan Wangji's version of Cloud Recesses, his rabbits, his Wei Wuxian.
It feels different somehow, knowing this is for him, and that he's allowed to ask. Seeing the care Lan Zhan puts into every petal and just seeing the way he looks, through Lan Zhan's eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Lan Wangji has to go and say something like that. It's absolutely not fair, that he can tease and tease, but the moment Lan Zhan says something even remotely romantic or sweet, he wants to bury his face in the sand.
"Lan Zhan," he whines, hiding his face in his hands briefly, to off-set how red his face has grown, "you can't just say things like that with no warning. My heart can't take it!"
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Who were these doctors? The Walrus and Carpenter that he'd run into before had both seemed to know enough of their world's healing arts to reattach Zewu Jun's arm, but they weren't twins. And the names werent' on the list he'd found in the queen's council room. Not the nameless suits that appeared when there was trouble, but somewhere, perhaps, above that. Who did they report to? Who gave them the list? Just what were they doing with the names on it? Would they all be chased down when they're alone and vulnerable? Or only if they encroached upon places they didn't belong?
"Mm, we'll have to be on our guard," he nods, though he's not really sure how much more cautious they can be without wrapping one another in pillows and cotton and silks and not leaving their rooms. In any other circumstance, he'd at least be able to acknowledge that they're on the right path. The more severe the retaliation, the more they know they're going in the right direction, so his soul-twin must've been far too close to something important. It's not even the first time Wei Wuxian has lost memories here; all the more reason to start finding better ways to hold onto and disperse their information.
"Not so long ago, I ran into- into the other me," he looks up at Lan Zhan, across the table, "he was wandering the halls aimlessly, couldn't remember how he'd gotten there. Do you think they're singling him out? Messing with his memories because of the things he's seen?"
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But what is it that Wei Ying knows that makes him a target and a source of political danger? At this point, there's no going back, and Lan Wangji is ever on guard.
"I think so. Why else they want to kill him? As for that, he was reckless and at one time, I found him intoxicated from the night-club. The source is the alcohol and the drugs found in the drinks." Which he is looking at Wei Wuxian squarely in the eye, knowing he can hold his drink in large quantities.
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He had his own list of indiscretions, rules he'd broken, and secrets he'd hidden away, but the staff here had rarely come after him. And even when he'd used the code to explore, March had actually showed up to help, not hinder, not chase him down, and certainly not thrown him to a pack of wild dogs. Was it just bad luck? Was he being singled out?
He catches the stare from Lan Wangji, unsure what to make of it. It's not as if Lan Zhan hasn't caught him in the night-club, in much the same condition.
"Ah... in his defense, the drinks there were far stronger than anything from home. And don't they want us to enjoy the drinks here?"
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Turning back to Wei Ying, "Wei Ying. I mean it. Be careful what you're given and take care not to eat and drink anything. You should ask what it does and do, and not just eat and drink recklessly out of someone's hand." At least, any hands that isn't his or his soultwin's.
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"The teas tend to be trouble far more often than the liquor," he points out, gesturing to what Lan Zhan is drinking before he starts downing his own glass.
"Why? Was he- the other Wei Wuxian, was he drunk when they went after him?" he's not sure why the sudden lecture, but aside from frustration when Wei Wuxian was drinking alone, he didn't think it bothered Lan Wangji all that much.
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He feels despondent at the question, that he picks at his cake with a fork, trying to find the will to eat. It did bothered him.
"He did. It was a strong mix. It took him a long time to detox until he felt like himself. Too much of that can make you ill."
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If his soul-twin had been intoxicated when he was caught, he supposes Lan Zhan has fair reason to worry. The drinks here could be strong, a lot stronger than the stuff back home, but he was pretty sure he knew his limits. He'd only drunk beyond them the one time at that nightclub! Okay, and maybe that other time when he and his soul-twin had tried to drink one-another under the table. Still, only a couple times in as many months that they'd been here wasn't so bad.
"So, you're worried I'll make the same mistake?" he presses, setting down his glass, his fingers idly tracing the condensation.
"That's easy enough. I can just make sure to only drink with friends. Or with Lan Zhan. Or back in my room even," he didn't particularly like such rules, but drinking was more fun around friends anyway. Wei Wuxian might have his vices, but even he understood the difference between having sneaky drunken parties at Cloud Recesses and letting his guard down around an enemy.
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"Wei Ying, don't be reckless." He means that, voice heavy with solemn weight.
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He takes a long pull from his cup, affording him a moment to gather himself. This Lan Wangji has more experience returning to their home world and coming back again than the rest, and even he is worried that whatever magic brought his Wei Wuxian back might not enough to keep him that way when they return.
Still, what can he do? He can't even say he wouldn't have made the exact same decisions, and the exact same mistakes, if he'd been in his soul-twin's position.
"I can promise to try, Lan Zhan," he concedes, "and I have been more careful than when I arrived! But I can't change who I am. And I can't let other people take risks for me."
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Even with his reassuring words, he still worries. What if he's gone and he never sees him again? He wouldn't be able to bear it and stand it.
He nods in agreement with that. "Mn." He manages to finish eating the rest of his cake and then washes it down with his tea.
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He's tempted to reach across the table, to squeeze Lan Zhan's hand, anything to reassure him, but he's not entirely sure where he stands anymore, or if he's overstepping, now that this Lan Zhan's Wei Wuxian has come back.
"And what about Lan Zhan?" he tries. Lan Zhan might not be the sort to spill the deepest feelings in his heart, but Wei Wuxian isn't sure he can stand to think of him looking so heartbroken and despairing as he was before his Wei Wuxian had returned.
"Are you... going to be okay?"
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"I'll be fine. I'm getting better. I'll be only okay when you and my Wei Ying are okay. If anything happens to one of you, the both of you, then I don't know what I'll do. I am so fond of you both. I want you both to be safe and happy, and not worrying."
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"I'm glad to hear it," he says, and means it. At least, that he's glad Lan Zhan is feeling better. He can even understand the sentiment, because he knows he'd be inconsolable if something happened to Lan Zhan. Either of them. And... the fondness too, though that's harder to admit.
"Lan Zhan," he stills his fidgeting hands in his lap, glancing aside, because it's much easier than worrying about how his heart will pound if he looks into Lan Wangji's eyes, "there's a lot I'll never be great at saying."
And a lot he'd never thought he'd need to think about, let alone say.
"But it seems only fair, since my soul twin beat me to it, getting both Lan Zhans to fall for him," he clicks his tongue and tries to keep some laughter in his voice, "I was just... scared, I guess? Does that even make sense? Scared of what going missing did to you, scared that maybe I was just convenient and there, scared I'd messed everything up... I shouldn't have ever doubted Lan Zhan's feelings."
He finally glances over the table at Lan Zhan, meeting his golden eyes, a note of reprimand in his voice that's mostly teasing, because he can't keep a hint of a flush from his face or a smile from creeping in.
"But! Weren't you sly! Telling me about your feelings when everything was in such a panic! Stealing kisses! Who is shameless now?"
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"Being convenient is not kindness. You have not messed everything up." Wordlessly, he rose from his seat, went over his to side to slide his arms around his waist and pulls him up, and gives him a hug. "Then I'll take the blame for being shameless because I want what I shouldn't have, for what isn't mine. So, please forgive me for being unkind to you."
Hugging him tight in his arms, "Wei Ying." That's it. Just a soft murmur of his name. "You're hurt."
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He honestly isn't sure what to expect when Lan Zhan stands, and it leaves him feeling flighty, having shared too much because his mouth just wouldn't stop rambling.
"I- wait, no- Lan Zhan, that's-" he couldn't think of Lan Zhan as unkind. He'd been nothing but kind ever since he'd arrived here, confused and acting a fool. Wei Wuxian wants to tell him so, to argue the point, to insist there's no need for forgiveness or apologies.
He wants to, but that hug pulls him tighter, and he feels so very exposed.
You're hurt.
Wei Wuxian's knees wobble, just a little, and he knows it's not the tightness of the hug making him feel breathless.
"I'm not," he insists, but it's muffled into the fabric of Lan Wangji's robe, childish and tinged with tears. He doesn't dare look up, his cheeks already feeling hot, his throat tight, he can't show Lan Zhan that kind of face.
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"You are." He argued. "And it's my fault. I kissed you because I was grateful for your help and I was selfish. But it meant a lot to me, so it's not an empty kiss. Because you always helped. I thought just once, and I will never do it again with you, and even then you didn't hate me, but continuing teasing me for my shameless. You don't have to be scared if I'm gone missing. Because meeting you is fate. I just think this place is cruel to bring us both together."
Very gently he relaxes his hold on him, "You belonged to him. But a part of me also belong to you, that always wanted to spend time with you, that always worry for you and love you, and never wanted to leave by your side. This part of me is yours and that kiss is yours."
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He'd be lying if he said he didn't like being kissed by Lan Wangji. No matter what world, the man was all wild passion hiding behind that cool exterior. It's hard to find complex meaning beyond that, beyond what his body wants and soul yearns for. It's always been Lan Wangji. And if they have to stoop so low as to make rules, like his soul-twin had with his own Lan Zhan, well, Wei Wuxian could respect some rules.
"I just... didn't know what to think. I wouldn't hate Lan Zhan. I guess, what I've been trying to think through and trying to say is- I care about you very much, love, worry about, whatever it's worth, whatever it needs to mean. Lan Zhan will always be my soulmate, I just- I didn't think it would still be true across other worlds."
He manages to wipe his face off, scrubbing away any remnants of red rimmed eyes before facing Lan Wangji, "I'm glad, even to have a part of Lan Zhan for my own."
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A fire lights up in his heart when this one calls him his soulmate. It's more than he can ask for. What he needs from him, a confirmation that they share a bond, and that Wei Wuxian wanted him, what he wanted to give, and he claim it. "Then don't think. Listen to what your heart says. It makes more sense. It's that heart that I want to follow."
He then realized they're in a restaurant, in a public place, so he steps to give a little distance. He has some time for him. "Wei Ying, a part of me belong to you. I want you to see it. I want to spend time with you. If you have a place where Wei Ying is Wei Ying for this soulmate, and it's for his eyes only, then I'll go with you for the limited time we can have." They have to figure how to make this work somehow to help lower the tension and stress, and forget their obligations if only temporarily. Keeping him company and feel less lonely is a start, considering he did the same for him during a crisis.
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Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
Both Lan Wangji have told him so, time and again. Wei Wuxian is so often impulsive, making decisions on a whim, following wherever his heart pulls him. It's not until recently, until he has known enough loss and knows what it's like to have something he would do anything to keep, that worry and doubt set in. How long could he hold onto it? How long before those who cared realized it wasn't worth the trouble? He knew those were the sort of things Lan Zhan meant, when he said not to think.
"Then," he nods faintly, but the smile that returns is real enough, "I look forward to continuing to bother Lan Zhan."
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"You're too humble. You should demand more." He sighs. He waits until he collects himself. There has to be away, it can be done. He reaches for his wrists to pull him up.
"Let's go. Not here. We can go to the library. I'll draw you a picture with the art supplies there."
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"Aren't I the most shameless? What more could I ask for, let alone demand?" he lets Lan Zhan pull his wrist, following him toward the exit. He wouldn't even know where to start. It already felt like Lan Zhan spoiled him, showing him so much affection, dragging his lazy body out of bed to get him ready for the day, playing for him, drawing, writing, if he could, he'd probably find a way into the kitchen to cook too.
The library seems to have become their place, and Wei Wuxian cant' say he doesn't enjoy it. It's quiet, which he's sure Lan Zhan likes, and hardly anyone comes here. And there's never a shortage of paper or art supplies.
"Oh? What will Lan Zhan draw for me?"
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"And no, not shameless. You can ask for my time and I'll be there when you need me when I could." He can do all of those activities. Platonically. Being physically present. Express his affection that way to keep him company. Acts of service without expecting anything from him at all, and keep giving. Just a few moments of just being themselves.
The library is a place of quiet, and Lan Zhan can draw and write for Wei Wuxian to keep. It's the one thing that comes to mind to give him a gift as it's the thoughts that counts. On the way, he grabs sheets of paper, art supplies for his medium, and finds a seat to sit down at the table. And he has Wei Ying sit down next to him and lean on him for comfort if he wants too.
"Anything that comes to mind. But I'll draw flowers for you." As he begins drawing, he started with red peonies.
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He settles in at Lan Wangji's side, shoulder to shoulder, and puts thoughts aside, as requested. Wei Wuxian leans in close, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder to watch him work.
"Hmmm," he drawls out as he watches Lan Zhan's bold strokes, drawing out the clear shape of a peony. He did say Wei Wuxian should be more demanding, so...
"Draw me, draw me," he grins, even if it's hard to see from this angle, "I want to see how I look to Lan Zhan!"
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He drew bright red peonies. Then he drew Wei Ying the way he see him. He drew him just as exact. "Wei Ying is Wei Ying." he answered. He drew a cherry blossom tree next, adding in a lot of pinks petals, the branches, the tall trunk over the figure of him as the cherry blossoms rains over him.
Finally, the portrait is finished and the picture is complete. "Wei Ying is like a flower. With love, he blossoms." He explains the symbolism. "When he loves, it's like a soft fragrance of a flower. It's a heavenly scent."
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When he'd come here before, doodling with a drunken Lan Wangji, the drawings had been meant to comfort, to remember fond things about the world he was from. About this Lan Wangji's version of Cloud Recesses, his rabbits, his Wei Wuxian.
It feels different somehow, knowing this is for him, and that he's allowed to ask. Seeing the care Lan Zhan puts into every petal and just seeing the way he looks, through Lan Zhan's eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Lan Wangji has to go and say something like that. It's absolutely not fair, that he can tease and tease, but the moment Lan Zhan says something even remotely romantic or sweet, he wants to bury his face in the sand.
"Lan Zhan," he whines, hiding his face in his hands briefly, to off-set how red his face has grown, "you can't just say things like that with no warning. My heart can't take it!"
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