His face is still flushed, when Lan Wangji steps back, and it'd probably be embarrassing for anyone but Wei Wuxian to be standing around a restaurant with watery, red eyes, but he just rubs the end of his nose and leans back into his chair.
Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
Both Lan Wangji have told him so, time and again. Wei Wuxian is so often impulsive, making decisions on a whim, following wherever his heart pulls him. It's not until recently, until he has known enough loss and knows what it's like to have something he would do anything to keep, that worry and doubt set in. How long could he hold onto it? How long before those who cared realized it wasn't worth the trouble? He knew those were the sort of things Lan Zhan meant, when he said not to think.
"Then," he nods faintly, but the smile that returns is real enough, "I look forward to continuing to bother Lan Zhan."
Lan Wangji frowns, seeing his flushed face and his tears that sting at his eyes, crying from all the stress that troubles him. He grabs for a napkin and with it, wipes at his eyes, and offers it so he can use it.
"You're too humble. You should demand more." He sighs. He waits until he collects himself. There has to be away, it can be done. He reaches for his wrists to pull him up.
"Let's go. Not here. We can go to the library. I'll draw you a picture with the art supplies there."
"Lan Zhan, I have been called a lot of things, but no one has ever accused me of being too humble," he laughs, drying his eyes and shaking his head. Humble, of all things.
"Aren't I the most shameless? What more could I ask for, let alone demand?" he lets Lan Zhan pull his wrist, following him toward the exit. He wouldn't even know where to start. It already felt like Lan Zhan spoiled him, showing him so much affection, dragging his lazy body out of bed to get him ready for the day, playing for him, drawing, writing, if he could, he'd probably find a way into the kitchen to cook too.
The library seems to have become their place, and Wei Wuxian cant' say he doesn't enjoy it. It's quiet, which he's sure Lan Zhan likes, and hardly anyone comes here. And there's never a shortage of paper or art supplies.
"I know. You had many names, but Wei Ying is one." Once he rose to his feet, he lets go of his wrist, and eventually he holds one of his hands, fingers interlacing as he leads him out to the exit. "Come with me."
"And no, not shameless. You can ask for my time and I'll be there when you need me when I could." He can do all of those activities. Platonically. Being physically present. Express his affection that way to keep him company. Acts of service without expecting anything from him at all, and keep giving. Just a few moments of just being themselves.
The library is a place of quiet, and Lan Zhan can draw and write for Wei Wuxian to keep. It's the one thing that comes to mind to give him a gift as it's the thoughts that counts. On the way, he grabs sheets of paper, art supplies for his medium, and finds a seat to sit down at the table. And he has Wei Ying sit down next to him and lean on him for comfort if he wants too.
"Anything that comes to mind. But I'll draw flowers for you." As he begins drawing, he started with red peonies.
It seems a fine line to walk, but one this Lan Wangji seems content to walk with him, and in the end, that's all that matters. He follows, drawn along by their clasped hands. The movement has an echo to it, and it feels like drawing new memories over the worry and panic of just days before.
He settles in at Lan Wangji's side, shoulder to shoulder, and puts thoughts aside, as requested. Wei Wuxian leans in close, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder to watch him work.
"Hmmm," he drawls out as he watches Lan Zhan's bold strokes, drawing out the clear shape of a peony. He did say Wei Wuxian should be more demanding, so...
"Draw me, draw me," he grins, even if it's hard to see from this angle, "I want to see how I look to Lan Zhan!"
"..." Lan Wangji was very tense at first, but the moment he laid his head on his shoulder, he relaxes, the tension from his expression softens. His expression shows nothing, but he keeps his focus by picking up colored pencils, because it's easier to draw with them over paint-brushes.
He drew bright red peonies. Then he drew Wei Ying the way he see him. He drew him just as exact. "Wei Ying is Wei Ying." he answered. He drew a cherry blossom tree next, adding in a lot of pinks petals, the branches, the tall trunk over the figure of him as the cherry blossoms rains over him.
Finally, the portrait is finished and the picture is complete. "Wei Ying is like a flower. With love, he blossoms." He explains the symbolism. "When he loves, it's like a soft fragrance of a flower. It's a heavenly scent."
After all the tension and stress and worry, just sitting next to Lan Wangji and doing something as mundane as drawing felt admittedly nice. And if it helped with the same for Lan Zhan, so much the better. The longer he leans into his side, the more natural it seems, and Wei Wuxian loops his arm through Lan Zhan's at the elbow, settling in to watch.
When he'd come here before, doodling with a drunken Lan Wangji, the drawings had been meant to comfort, to remember fond things about the world he was from. About this Lan Wangji's version of Cloud Recesses, his rabbits, his Wei Wuxian.
It feels different somehow, knowing this is for him, and that he's allowed to ask. Seeing the care Lan Zhan puts into every petal and just seeing the way he looks, through Lan Zhan's eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Lan Wangji has to go and say something like that. It's absolutely not fair, that he can tease and tease, but the moment Lan Zhan says something even remotely romantic or sweet, he wants to bury his face in the sand.
"Lan Zhan," he whines, hiding his face in his hands briefly, to off-set how red his face has grown, "you can't just say things like that with no warning. My heart can't take it!"
Eventually, the drawing and picture is finished, and he hands it to him. "Keep this somewhere safe. This is for you, the Wei Ying in my dream." He said with such a soft sweetness. "My apologies. I did not mean for Wei Ying to feel as much for me. But I'm not..." Worth it? The right one? The one meant for him? He doesn't think he and his soul-twin are the same, considering they may have different interests, memories, and variance in personality.
It's cute to see him blushing and feeling embarrassed. He wonders if the other Lan Wangji has ever said anything sweet or romantic to him, and if so, how often? Probably not if Wei Ying isn't used to it. He waits for him to look at the drawing and seek his approval, but he could see he likes it.
A pause, a beat. "Wei Ying, I thought about what you said. I was wondering. Do you have feelings for me? We're going to be married soon. What are happens to us after that?" Would it still matter and what then? He didn't want to be flighty or break his heart, and he always his take his relationships solemnly because by default, he can't lie, and doesn't want to.
He takes the drawing, carefully rolling it, so it won't be damaged on the way back to his room. Hearing Lan Zhan's words, he's not entirely sure how to take them. It's not as if he meant to draw Lan Zhan in, had thought they were just good friends himself.
"Didn't Lan Zhan say it's okay not to think about that right now?" he replies, glancing down. It's not an answer, not really, and even after all the time he's had to think on it, he's not sure he knows that there's a right or wrong for this situation. How often did one find themselves in a world with multiple versions of their soulmate? And how exactly was one supposed to keep their feelings in line in such a scenario?
He lets out a slow breath.
"I..." he starts, "I love Lan Zhan. And I think... worlds and lifetimes and all of that, it still doesn't change that. Maybe the love I have for this Lan Zhan is different from the love I have for the Lan Zhan from my world, but it doesn't diminish it. I want us all to have a chance at happiness, right? Do things have to change so much? We can still be friends, at least, can't we?"
Lan Wangji is quiet, there's a warmth to his cheeks and in his heart, searching for words. "You don't have to think about it or give me an answer." But that's his answer and he's fine with it. It's...complicated and close to fine.
In a voice soft, yet strained. There is pain and happiness. "Wei Ying, I love you too. As friends and perhaps, more than that. But we can't forget our duty and obligation to our significant other." Turning to him, "No, it doesn't diminish or waver. Change is inevitable, but we remain friends."
However, there's visible stress in his eyes as Lan Wangji's seemingly stoic front becomes pained and he reaches for him, to pull him into a hug with straightforward honesty. "I love you too, Wei Ying as my friend and my love."
It felt like it was either much more complicated than he was making it out to be, or much less. Lan Wangji was Lan Wangji, and it was silly to expect either of their feelings to change. He lets himself be swept up in the other's arms and only fidgets so he doesn't accidentally crease the new drawing. Wei Wuxian returns it, if softly, fingers clinging to the fabric of Lan Wangji's robe.
"Of course not. I might not have the best memory," he nods, "but I couldn't forget my Lan Zhan. We're lucky, I think, to be able to be friends, to even have a chance to meet."
He laughs a little, because he always has to lighten the mood, "besides, it's hard enough to handle just one Wei Wuxian. Could you really handle two?"
He continues to hold him in his arms as he holds him close. "Then don't forget me. If Wei Ying wants to bother and pester, then he leaves me no choice but to love him too. For fate brought us together."
He doesn't know how this is going to work. He raised to love only one and he himself believed in this by tradition. Is this why Emperors or nobles have concubines and have many lovers? Still, he doesn't want Wei Ying to struggle over his feelings, be jealous, or cry over the likes of him. They will figure it out somehow.
"Just two. Just Wei Ying. Because I love you too, and Wei Ying is the only soul I love with all of my heart and it's this heart that belongs to Wei Ying. So this, belongs to you too. My heart, you have it completely." He said, with a happiness that his best friend and confidante supported him.
He gaze into his eyes, locked into his for a few moments, tilted his head aside, and gently presses his lips against him for a kiss as that seems fair for Wei Ying's trouble for loving him. Light at first, and then tentatively deepen it.
It used to be a rare thing, to be held like this. Something he'd go to Shijie for when he was drunk and particularly down, and he could probably count on one hand the number of hugs he'd received from Jiang Cheng. There was something in it that made him feel safe, that chased away the buzzing of his thoughts and let him feel comforted, vulnerable. He never thought he'd have one, let alone two people in his life that would hold him like this, whenever he wanted, whenever he needed.
His thoughts feel like a jumbled mess, whenever he considers where he should stand with his own soul-twin and of course, with Lan Wanji's soul-twin as well. The differences in their histories feel like bare coin-flips, little changes here and there, while the foundation is still the same, and how is he supposed to not love Lan Wangji? Not feel his heart thrum in his chest when those eyes meet his, or the electricity when their lips meet?
Don't think, both versions of Lan Wangji had told him, and he tried desperately to listen to that advice. He lets his eyes flutter closed, and like this, the kiss is so very familiar, his lips like coming home. The gentle urging to deepen it is something his body reacts to on instinct, opening to him with the slightest tilt of his head and parting of lips.
The kiss is warm and, inwardly Lan Wangji himself stiffen and felt tense in every fiber of his body as if he's going to be punished somehow. Yet it's Wei Ying that's kissing him and he finds that it doesn't hurt at all. It's sweet, soft, warm, and tender. His body reacts by instinct and he tries to relax into the kiss and felt a wash of comfort and safety instead as if his kiss can heal whatever pain he has to endure. His heart is racing and then slowly slows down when Wei Ying hugs him back and hold him as if he is precious.
Eventually, the kiss has to break for air, and he has to part from him. He looks into his eyes, dazed from the kiss. He never knew or realize he holds a key to open up a door, and he lets Wei Ying in. Breath slowed, and he wants to take all the emotions slow.
"Wei Ying." He said. Even though a part of him still felt brittle, and he appears stoic and strong, that was a mask, and he can drop the mask in his presence. His hug around him doesn't loosen, as he doesn't want to let him go and he continues to hold him.
His breath comes out warm and shaky when they part, as he tries to catch it, tries to slow his erratic heart. They're close enough that he's sure Lan Zhan can feel it beating wildly, no matter how he might try to hide.
It's not until he hears Lan Zhan's voice, speaking his name, that he finally startles out of his haze, half-lidded eyes blinking into focus as he pulls back enough to look up at Lan Wangji's face. Wei Wuxian's is flushed, he's sure, caught unawares as he was.
"I... oh. I'm fine, I..." he insists, thoughts finally starting to catch up with him again. He felt a little dizzy.
"I'm sorry I can't be... I can't be more to you than this," he swallows, "your Wei Ying needs you."
Lan Wangji sat still as a statue. It takes every effort not to instantly smack himself in a reaction as he felt his own self-restraint crumbled. His breathing is slow and he felt a heaviness of guilt in his chest. He sees how flushed he is, and how dizzy he looks, so he reached over to cup his face to help steady him, strokes through his bang and tucks behind his ear to comfort him.
"Don't be sorry. We'll be married soon...and your Lan Zhan needs you. So, that seems to be fair." One thing for certain, their significant others will be the ones they go to bed with, most certainly, and he learns that they do have feelings for each other, but it can't be more than that. At least, for now.
"Wei Ying, don't rush and take your time. It is as it is now."
Don't be sorry? It's hard not to think of a dozen reasons he ought to be, but instead he nods slowly.
"Right," he says softly. This Lan Zhan's Wei Wuxian will recover, and they'll be fine, right? All of them will be fine. Better than fine, he hopes. Lan Zhan deserves to be happy, and a whole lot more than that.
Wei Ying doesn't need to be sorry. It doesn't seem necessary to him, but sometimes it is. Wei Ying is his sole happiness, among many things if anything, he wishes he could do more to make him happier. Even across time, worlds, their lives are interwoven together.
With a nod, "It's time for me to go." The sweetness and warmth doesn't last.
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Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
Both Lan Wangji have told him so, time and again. Wei Wuxian is so often impulsive, making decisions on a whim, following wherever his heart pulls him. It's not until recently, until he has known enough loss and knows what it's like to have something he would do anything to keep, that worry and doubt set in. How long could he hold onto it? How long before those who cared realized it wasn't worth the trouble? He knew those were the sort of things Lan Zhan meant, when he said not to think.
"Then," he nods faintly, but the smile that returns is real enough, "I look forward to continuing to bother Lan Zhan."
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"You're too humble. You should demand more." He sighs. He waits until he collects himself. There has to be away, it can be done. He reaches for his wrists to pull him up.
"Let's go. Not here. We can go to the library. I'll draw you a picture with the art supplies there."
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"Aren't I the most shameless? What more could I ask for, let alone demand?" he lets Lan Zhan pull his wrist, following him toward the exit. He wouldn't even know where to start. It already felt like Lan Zhan spoiled him, showing him so much affection, dragging his lazy body out of bed to get him ready for the day, playing for him, drawing, writing, if he could, he'd probably find a way into the kitchen to cook too.
The library seems to have become their place, and Wei Wuxian cant' say he doesn't enjoy it. It's quiet, which he's sure Lan Zhan likes, and hardly anyone comes here. And there's never a shortage of paper or art supplies.
"Oh? What will Lan Zhan draw for me?"
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"And no, not shameless. You can ask for my time and I'll be there when you need me when I could." He can do all of those activities. Platonically. Being physically present. Express his affection that way to keep him company. Acts of service without expecting anything from him at all, and keep giving. Just a few moments of just being themselves.
The library is a place of quiet, and Lan Zhan can draw and write for Wei Wuxian to keep. It's the one thing that comes to mind to give him a gift as it's the thoughts that counts. On the way, he grabs sheets of paper, art supplies for his medium, and finds a seat to sit down at the table. And he has Wei Ying sit down next to him and lean on him for comfort if he wants too.
"Anything that comes to mind. But I'll draw flowers for you." As he begins drawing, he started with red peonies.
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He settles in at Lan Wangji's side, shoulder to shoulder, and puts thoughts aside, as requested. Wei Wuxian leans in close, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder to watch him work.
"Hmmm," he drawls out as he watches Lan Zhan's bold strokes, drawing out the clear shape of a peony. He did say Wei Wuxian should be more demanding, so...
"Draw me, draw me," he grins, even if it's hard to see from this angle, "I want to see how I look to Lan Zhan!"
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He drew bright red peonies. Then he drew Wei Ying the way he see him. He drew him just as exact. "Wei Ying is Wei Ying." he answered. He drew a cherry blossom tree next, adding in a lot of pinks petals, the branches, the tall trunk over the figure of him as the cherry blossoms rains over him.
Finally, the portrait is finished and the picture is complete. "Wei Ying is like a flower. With love, he blossoms." He explains the symbolism. "When he loves, it's like a soft fragrance of a flower. It's a heavenly scent."
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When he'd come here before, doodling with a drunken Lan Wangji, the drawings had been meant to comfort, to remember fond things about the world he was from. About this Lan Wangji's version of Cloud Recesses, his rabbits, his Wei Wuxian.
It feels different somehow, knowing this is for him, and that he's allowed to ask. Seeing the care Lan Zhan puts into every petal and just seeing the way he looks, through Lan Zhan's eyes.
As if that weren't enough, Lan Wangji has to go and say something like that. It's absolutely not fair, that he can tease and tease, but the moment Lan Zhan says something even remotely romantic or sweet, he wants to bury his face in the sand.
"Lan Zhan," he whines, hiding his face in his hands briefly, to off-set how red his face has grown, "you can't just say things like that with no warning. My heart can't take it!"
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It's cute to see him blushing and feeling embarrassed. He wonders if the other Lan Wangji has ever said anything sweet or romantic to him, and if so, how often? Probably not if Wei Ying isn't used to it. He waits for him to look at the drawing and seek his approval, but he could see he likes it.
A pause, a beat. "Wei Ying, I thought about what you said. I was wondering. Do you have feelings for me? We're going to be married soon. What are happens to us after that?" Would it still matter and what then? He didn't want to be flighty or break his heart, and he always his take his relationships solemnly because by default, he can't lie, and doesn't want to.
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"Didn't Lan Zhan say it's okay not to think about that right now?" he replies, glancing down. It's not an answer, not really, and even after all the time he's had to think on it, he's not sure he knows that there's a right or wrong for this situation. How often did one find themselves in a world with multiple versions of their soulmate? And how exactly was one supposed to keep their feelings in line in such a scenario?
He lets out a slow breath.
"I..." he starts, "I love Lan Zhan. And I think... worlds and lifetimes and all of that, it still doesn't change that. Maybe the love I have for this Lan Zhan is different from the love I have for the Lan Zhan from my world, but it doesn't diminish it. I want us all to have a chance at happiness, right? Do things have to change so much? We can still be friends, at least, can't we?"
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In a voice soft, yet strained. There is pain and happiness. "Wei Ying, I love you too. As friends and perhaps, more than that. But we can't forget our duty and obligation to our significant other." Turning to him, "No, it doesn't diminish or waver. Change is inevitable, but we remain friends."
However, there's visible stress in his eyes as Lan Wangji's seemingly stoic front becomes pained and he reaches for him, to pull him into a hug with straightforward honesty. "I love you too, Wei Ying as my friend and my love."
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"Of course not. I might not have the best memory," he nods, "but I couldn't forget my Lan Zhan. We're lucky, I think, to be able to be friends, to even have a chance to meet."
He laughs a little, because he always has to lighten the mood, "besides, it's hard enough to handle just one Wei Wuxian. Could you really handle two?"
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He doesn't know how this is going to work. He raised to love only one and he himself believed in this by tradition. Is this why Emperors or nobles have concubines and have many lovers? Still, he doesn't want Wei Ying to struggle over his feelings, be jealous, or cry over the likes of him. They will figure it out somehow.
"Just two. Just Wei Ying. Because I love you too, and Wei Ying is the only soul I love with all of my heart and it's this heart that belongs to Wei Ying. So this, belongs to you too. My heart, you have it completely." He said, with a happiness that his best friend and confidante supported him.
He gaze into his eyes, locked into his for a few moments, tilted his head aside, and gently presses his lips against him for a kiss as that seems fair for Wei Ying's trouble for loving him. Light at first, and then tentatively deepen it.
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His thoughts feel like a jumbled mess, whenever he considers where he should stand with his own soul-twin and of course, with Lan Wanji's soul-twin as well. The differences in their histories feel like bare coin-flips, little changes here and there, while the foundation is still the same, and how is he supposed to not love Lan Wangji? Not feel his heart thrum in his chest when those eyes meet his, or the electricity when their lips meet?
Don't think, both versions of Lan Wangji had told him, and he tried desperately to listen to that advice. He lets his eyes flutter closed, and like this, the kiss is so very familiar, his lips like coming home. The gentle urging to deepen it is something his body reacts to on instinct, opening to him with the slightest tilt of his head and parting of lips.
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Eventually, the kiss has to break for air, and he has to part from him. He looks into his eyes, dazed from the kiss. He never knew or realize he holds a key to open up a door, and he lets Wei Ying in. Breath slowed, and he wants to take all the emotions slow.
"Wei Ying." He said. Even though a part of him still felt brittle, and he appears stoic and strong, that was a mask, and he can drop the mask in his presence. His hug around him doesn't loosen, as he doesn't want to let him go and he continues to hold him.
"Wei Ying. Are you all right?"
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It's not until he hears Lan Zhan's voice, speaking his name, that he finally startles out of his haze, half-lidded eyes blinking into focus as he pulls back enough to look up at Lan Wangji's face. Wei Wuxian's is flushed, he's sure, caught unawares as he was.
"I... oh. I'm fine, I..." he insists, thoughts finally starting to catch up with him again. He felt a little dizzy.
"I'm sorry I can't be... I can't be more to you than this," he swallows, "your Wei Ying needs you."
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"Don't be sorry. We'll be married soon...and your Lan Zhan needs you. So, that seems to be fair." One thing for certain, their significant others will be the ones they go to bed with, most certainly, and he learns that they do have feelings for each other, but it can't be more than that. At least, for now.
"Wei Ying, don't rush and take your time. It is as it is now."
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"Right," he says softly. This Lan Zhan's Wei Wuxian will recover, and they'll be fine, right? All of them will be fine. Better than fine, he hopes. Lan Zhan deserves to be happy, and a whole lot more than that.
"I will."
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With a nod, "It's time for me to go." The sweetness and warmth doesn't last.