He is angry, of course he's angry. And he feels foolish. His face is hot, as if he'd been slapped. How dare the other one, after what Wei Ying had said? How dare he kiss him again, when he'd expressed he hadn't wanted to?
Lan Wangji reaches out for the tangle of Wei Ying's hands and attempts to smooth them out, taking them into his own. He should trust Wei Ying. He needs to trust Wei Ying. They have nothing if they don't have this. And hadn't Lan Wangji tried to do the same thing, to not tell Wei Ying about Jin Guangyao? Hadn't he also harbored feelings for the other Wei Wuxian, biding his time, just - just not having acted in the brazen way the other Lan Wangji did.
Because he knew it would hurt Wei Ying. He never wants to hurt Wei Ying again, intentionally or not.
He reminds himself of this, and pulls Wei Ying close to him, against his chest. He takes a breath, and lets it settle. "I know."
It doesn't feel like enough, even as Lan Zhan holds him close. It's hard not to feel like he's failed, despite his protests, and Lan Zhan was the one wronged, yet he's the first one to offer comfort. He can't help thinking it isn't right.
Wei Wuxian lets himself take what comfort is given, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder. He hadn't thought it would be such a complicated mess. Time spent with the other Lan Wangji had always been fairly innocent; drawing pictures of their home worlds in the library together to talk about the differences between them, or sharing a meal to catch up on their experiences here. He could understand why the man might have overstepped when he was upset and grieving, wishing for his Wei Wuxian to be there. He felt more and more certain that it was just this body; whatever happenstance had led to him being able to keep his old appearance where the other Wei Wuxian had not, perhaps that was enough reason.
"I can't take away what's done, but if there's anything I can do to fix it, you'll let me, won't you?"
Lan Wangji nods affirmatively, hand in Wei Ying's hair, holding him close. He knows what would make this easier - opening up their relationship to allow only their soultwins into it, but Wei Ying has said he doesn't feel that way about the other Lan Wangji, and he was jealous and seemed hurt to find out that Lan Wangji had feelings for his soul twin.
And so, he says nothing, because no matter how upset he is, he would never let his anger lash out and hurt Wei Ying in the process. The moment he does, he considers himself a failure of a husband, a failure to the love of his life.
Instead: "Talk to me," he says. "Tell me, even if you think I do not want to hear." Kind of hypocritical, but he can live with this.
Talk is something Wei Wuxian has always had far too much of, Lan Wangji too little, and somehow the balance still left their communication wanting.
"This is still new," he says finally, "to all of us. It feels fragile, and I hate that, but-"
His eyes are watery, throat tight, but he presses on. It's easier, like this, face pressed against Lan Zhan's shoulder.
"Lan Zhan, everything I've cared about has broken eventually, and it's not that I don't believe it, when you tell me you love me. I do, that's exactly what makes me so scared sometimes. What brings out those stupid, ugly, insecure feelings."
Nothing made him feel so whole, and nothing terrified him like the thought of losing it someday.
"You told me not to think about it," he gives a quiet, if sniffly laugh, "so of course that's all I could do."
He lets out a breath, "but I came to some conclusions."
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no subject
Lan Wangji reaches out for the tangle of Wei Ying's hands and attempts to smooth them out, taking them into his own. He should trust Wei Ying. He needs to trust Wei Ying. They have nothing if they don't have this. And hadn't Lan Wangji tried to do the same thing, to not tell Wei Ying about Jin Guangyao? Hadn't he also harbored feelings for the other Wei Wuxian, biding his time, just - just not having acted in the brazen way the other Lan Wangji did.
Because he knew it would hurt Wei Ying. He never wants to hurt Wei Ying again, intentionally or not.
He reminds himself of this, and pulls Wei Ying close to him, against his chest. He takes a breath, and lets it settle. "I know."
no subject
Wei Wuxian lets himself take what comfort is given, resting his head on Lan Zhan's shoulder. He hadn't thought it would be such a complicated mess. Time spent with the other Lan Wangji had always been fairly innocent; drawing pictures of their home worlds in the library together to talk about the differences between them, or sharing a meal to catch up on their experiences here. He could understand why the man might have overstepped when he was upset and grieving, wishing for his Wei Wuxian to be there. He felt more and more certain that it was just this body; whatever happenstance had led to him being able to keep his old appearance where the other Wei Wuxian had not, perhaps that was enough reason.
"I can't take away what's done, but if there's anything I can do to fix it, you'll let me, won't you?"
no subject
And so, he says nothing, because no matter how upset he is, he would never let his anger lash out and hurt Wei Ying in the process. The moment he does, he considers himself a failure of a husband, a failure to the love of his life.
Instead: "Talk to me," he says. "Tell me, even if you think I do not want to hear." Kind of hypocritical, but he can live with this.
no subject
"This is still new," he says finally, "to all of us. It feels fragile, and I hate that, but-"
His eyes are watery, throat tight, but he presses on. It's easier, like this, face pressed against Lan Zhan's shoulder.
"Lan Zhan, everything I've cared about has broken eventually, and it's not that I don't believe it, when you tell me you love me. I do, that's exactly what makes me so scared sometimes. What brings out those stupid, ugly, insecure feelings."
Nothing made him feel so whole, and nothing terrified him like the thought of losing it someday.
"You told me not to think about it," he gives a quiet, if sniffly laugh, "so of course that's all I could do."
He lets out a breath, "but I came to some conclusions."