[ He'd debated a bit, before moving forward with this - it feels unnecessary at the same time as it feels essential, to make sure that the others know of the complicated situation. So he calls, and after a quick greeting, he moves right into the matter at hand. ]
Jin Guangyao is here. [ Jin Guangyao, not Meng Yao, a distinction that will probably only be of any importance for those who were also at the hotel. ] He says he does not remember much beyond names and faces, relationships and some historical events. The doctors say it is due to the trauma of his arrival.
[ Fear clenches his heart and stops up his throat. The last thing that anyone should do is defer to him on the truth of what Jin Guangyao says. He is quiet for far too long, because of that, unable to say a single thing - and wishing, rather ridiculously, that he had chosen to utilize the text function on this device instead. ]
My judgment is inaccurate, when it comes to Jin Guangyao. I cannot tell what is the truth.
[ It hurts to say - it hurts to even think, when for so long, such a significant part of who Lan Xichen saw himself as was someone who was able to see past the expectations that the world had for someone and appreciate them for who they were, for who they could be.
When for so long, he considered himself perhaps the only person who knew the real A-Yao, the man who was somewhere between the Jin he could never quite settle into and the Meng he could never quite leave behind.
Neither of those have ever been true, and he still has not been able to reconcile that into an understanding of who he is supposed to be, now, that he has never been who he thought he was. But such a thing is not for now, not to be placed in a conversation such as this. ]
Do you want to know? I have made a similar offer to your sister - if you wish, I will tell you any or all of it.
[It's rare for someone to take Wei Wuxian completely by surprise, but Lan Xichen's answer does. Jin Guangyao might have been a forgettable footnote in Wei Wuxian's life, but for Lan Xichen, he was a sword brother. He could well imagine the hurt it caused him.
He lets out a slow breath.]
Dabo...
I can't change what's happened. And I've no heart to make you speak on it if it pains you.
[There's a longer silence the second time. He's spent longer than he'd like thinking on this, and while he'd stormed home after first running into Jin Guangyao, much of it had cooled into some sort of logic.]
If he has no memory of it, I can't condemn a man who doesn't know his wrongdoing. The people around him already know of all the ill-conceived plans he might have been in the middle of, and if he recalls as much as you or others, it's not hard to imagine the sort of punishment he might have received.
I'm not so soft-hearted to throw out a word like forgiveness, but if it comes to second chances, I can hardly begrudge them when I've been given one.
As you say, Wuxian, it’s already happened. It would not pain me to speak on it any more than it already does knowing that I cannot change it, either.
[ It is the truth - although technically, it isn’t that speaking about it wouldn’t cause him any pain, just that it wouldn’t cause him more pain than knowing its truth already does.
He’s quiet, waiting for Wuxian to gather his thoughts around this with no concern for how long it takes - and he’s equally quiet at what he says. His heart clenches, just for a moment. He’s long understood what his brother saw in Wuxian, but that does not mean that there aren’t moments like this, when he’s sharply reminded of just how good of a man Wei Wuxian is. ]
My brother could not have chosen better than you. I hope you know how proud I am to have you in my family. [ His voice is soft, almost contemplative - it’s not necessarily relevant to the conversation, he knows, but he doesn’t hesitate to say it. He might be able to tell Wangji that he approves of something or that he is proud of him with a glance or a specific tone of voice, but he is not yet there with Wuxian yet. ]
You and Jin Guangyao are both brilliant, and our world was not always prepared for that brilliance. Neither of you were ever treated as well as you deserved. Your talents made you a hero, during the Sunshot Campaign, and they were used against you when you were no longer useful. The same people who disdained him when he was still Meng Yao and his actions were honest, loved him when he became Jin Guangyao, no matter what he had to - [ He falters, briefly, and admits, ] - what he chose to do in order to keep that position. There is no black and white answer here, but... you are one of the people who was hurt the most by his actions, Wuxian, and I will defer to you in this matter.
[He can't say he isn't curious. When will he have an opportunity to learn, beyond the minor points Lan Zhan told him? There's audible hesitation, not something often heard from Wei Wuxian. If he knows, it could skew his already tilted perspective of the man. If he doesn't, he could be blind-sided by any future betrayals or hurt directed and him or his family.]
I-
[He's about to say as much when Lan Xichen hits him with- with-
There's a half-choked withering squeak that escapes when Dabo starts talking about how proud he is to have Wei Wuxian as family. These brothers and their straightforward speech, how is he supposed to respond to that?! Between the pair of them, his heart is going to give out, he just knows it.
His throat feels tight as another quiet moment passes and he tries to compose himself enough to answer. It's a good thing Dabo can't see his face right now, or he'd glimpse the tears he wasn't able to hold back- even so, he might catch a stray sniffle, covered by a hasty cough.]
That's, ah...
Dabo, you have to warn me if you're gonna say things like that!
[He deflects with a short laugh, shaking his head.]
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to know. Lan Zhan told me some of it, but I'm sure there was plenty more he didn't say.
It's- why me, I guess? Did I piss him off? Insult his family?
[He sighs, clicking his tongue faintly.]
Really, I just want to know if I need to be worried. If he's got a grudge against me, let him come against me, as long as he leaves the rest of my family out of it.
I apologize. I will be more considerate next time.
[ There's warmth in his voice, mostly fondness, though he would be lying if he said there wasn't a hint of amused exasperation. Now that he has gotten to know both Wuxian and Wanyin better, it is easy to see how similar the brothers are when it comes to deflecting someone showing genuine care and concern for them - though one with humor, and the other with irritation.
Wuxian's questions leave him quiet for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts. ]
It is not a satisfying answer, but I don't believe it was personal. I think you were... convenient. There was a gap in power, after Wen Ruohan was defeated, and I suspect Jin Guangshan would have done many things to ensure that he was the one to fill it. The rest of us were in such precarious positions after the war, and he made sure each of us stayed that way. Mingjue and myself through our sworn brotherhood with Jin Guangyao, among other things, and Wanyin through your sister's marriage and by driving a wedge between him and you. By rallying the other sects against you, and making you the next villain to be slain - and this time no one could say the Jin did not take an active role, that they did not suffer loss.
[ It is both strange and not, to be speaking so frankly with Wuxian about this. At the time, it had felt impossible to have such a talk about politics with him - now it feels impossible that he did not. But then, neither of them were the men they are now, back when the war was only just over. ]
I cannot be certain how much of it was A-Y- [ He falters, briefly, then continues. ] How much was Jin Guangyao's idea, and how much was his father's. I would like to believe that it was Jin Guangshan who turned his sights on you. That it was him who wanted Mingjue dead, because he was a threat to his power. But I know it was Jin Guangyao who decided to kill his brother and his father.
Perhaps I am still being foolish, believing that it was that Jin Guangyao chose his father over his sworn brothers, and did what he had to in order to earn his approval, only to be too far gone by the time he realized he would never have it.
[ He'd gone very quiet for that last bit, voice hollow with grief and regret and anger and more things that he can't even name. He pulls in a breath and lets it out. ]
Regardless, your family would - ah, I am supposed to warn you before I say something sentimental. [ He pauses briefly, to let that be the warning. ] Your family will not allow anyone to come against you.
[Wei Wuxian's guilt complex is nearly as big as his savior complex, so hearing that none of Jin Guangyao's actions had even been personal? It leaves him feeling unsettled in a way he can't quite place. Life has so often seemed like a series of choices, and while he knew not every good choice led to good consequences, he'd at least felt like he had some say in the course his life took. Thinking that there might have been nothing at all he could do to change what happened? It should make him feel better, but really it feels somewhat numb. He'd never lusted after power or played the sort of politicking games that could earn someone respect or honor or wealth, and to have become someone's pawn in such a game didn't sit well with him.]
Makes as much sense as anything else. Jin Guangshan had it out for me ever since he set eyes on that scrap of iron. I couldn't let another powerful and intolerant sect start ruling the rest because of a handful of metal.
[He shook his head. Not that he had to explain that to Lan Xichen. Lan Zhan's older brother had been nothing but accepting (okay, maybe a little protective of his brother) and welcoming into their family.]
At least there's little chance of any of that here. No cultivation world, no sects, no power struggles.
[Well, that wasn't entirely true, he supposed, since they were allowing the gembonded to take up governmental positions now, and they were woefully short on information about the world beyond what was right in front of them, but still... it was nothing like back home.
Besides, both Lan Xichen and his elder sister had hearts in common, open and trusting and precious to those around them. If it were only his own life in peril, Wei Wuxian couldn't imagine holding a grudge. He hadn't burned his candle at both ends, he'd thrown the whole thing into the fire.
It was just... when people like Dabo, like Shijie were hurt... that was much harder to forgive.
He opens his mouth to say so, but- even with warning, he can feel his breath catch in his throat, his words stuck, and a heat behind his eyes. What he wouldn't have given to hear those words from his own brother. Not that he held any blame or contempt for Jiang Cheng; he knew his sect-brother's position had been difficult, and even so he'd still tried to offer Wei Wuxian a way out. Even if he'd heard such a thing, Wei Wuxian would have only dug in his heels and refused all the more. He'd been so determined not to drag anyone down with him that he'd left his family open to let others do it instead.]
That's...
[He replies a bit thickly, swallowing down the threatening tears. There were no such conflicts here. Who could say what the future held, what returning would mean? To have family who want to protect him, who offer it so openly... he can't refuse, but he won't allow anyone to hurt his family again either. At least this time, maybe they can all share the same goal; to make the most of what they've been given.]
Stealing a-all the good lines, I see.
[His voice comes out a bit shakier than usual, as he tries to hide behind his usual humor. There's a short pause before he adds, with some sincerity:]
I have a second chance, don't worry Dabo, I don't intend to waste it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice; a few days before the dinner party
Jin Guangyao is here. [ Jin Guangyao, not Meng Yao, a distinction that will probably only be of any importance for those who were also at the hotel. ] He says he does not remember much beyond names and faces, relationships and some historical events. The doctors say it is due to the trauma of his arrival.
[voice]
Mm, we met briefly.
[There's a slow breath, as he turns that information over. The doctors said that? Or Jin Guangyao just told him the doctors had said it?]
I can't say I know him well enough to be sure if it was the truth, so I'll have to defer to you, Dabo.
Lan Zhan only told me some of what happened, so I'm not sure how it all ended up, but I know after I...
[Died, he doesn't say.]
When I was revived, there were a lot of things I didn't remember. And when I finally did, there were plenty I wished were left forgotten.
no subject
My judgment is inaccurate, when it comes to Jin Guangyao. I cannot tell what is the truth.
[ It hurts to say - it hurts to even think, when for so long, such a significant part of who Lan Xichen saw himself as was someone who was able to see past the expectations that the world had for someone and appreciate them for who they were, for who they could be.
When for so long, he considered himself perhaps the only person who knew the real A-Yao, the man who was somewhere between the Jin he could never quite settle into and the Meng he could never quite leave behind.
Neither of those have ever been true, and he still has not been able to reconcile that into an understanding of who he is supposed to be, now, that he has never been who he thought he was. But such a thing is not for now, not to be placed in a conversation such as this. ]
Do you want to know? I have made a similar offer to your sister - if you wish, I will tell you any or all of it.
no subject
He lets out a slow breath.]
Dabo...
I can't change what's happened. And I've no heart to make you speak on it if it pains you.
[There's a longer silence the second time. He's spent longer than he'd like thinking on this, and while he'd stormed home after first running into Jin Guangyao, much of it had cooled into some sort of logic.]
If he has no memory of it, I can't condemn a man who doesn't know his wrongdoing. The people around him already know of all the ill-conceived plans he might have been in the middle of, and if he recalls as much as you or others, it's not hard to imagine the sort of punishment he might have received.
I'm not so soft-hearted to throw out a word like forgiveness, but if it comes to second chances, I can hardly begrudge them when I've been given one.
[He huffs a short breath.]
no subject
[ It is the truth - although technically, it isn’t that speaking about it wouldn’t cause him any pain, just that it wouldn’t cause him more pain than knowing its truth already does.
He’s quiet, waiting for Wuxian to gather his thoughts around this with no concern for how long it takes - and he’s equally quiet at what he says. His heart clenches, just for a moment. He’s long understood what his brother saw in Wuxian, but that does not mean that there aren’t moments like this, when he’s sharply reminded of just how good of a man Wei Wuxian is. ]
My brother could not have chosen better than you. I hope you know how proud I am to have you in my family. [ His voice is soft, almost contemplative - it’s not necessarily relevant to the conversation, he knows, but he doesn’t hesitate to say it. He might be able to tell Wangji that he approves of something or that he is proud of him with a glance or a specific tone of voice, but he is not yet there with Wuxian yet. ]
You and Jin Guangyao are both brilliant, and our world was not always prepared for that brilliance. Neither of you were ever treated as well as you deserved. Your talents made you a hero, during the Sunshot Campaign, and they were used against you when you were no longer useful. The same people who disdained him when he was still Meng Yao and his actions were honest, loved him when he became Jin Guangyao, no matter what he had to - [ He falters, briefly, and admits, ] - what he chose to do in order to keep that position. There is no black and white answer here, but... you are one of the people who was hurt the most by his actions, Wuxian, and I will defer to you in this matter.
no subject
I-
[He's about to say as much when Lan Xichen hits him with- with-
There's a half-choked withering squeak that escapes when Dabo starts talking about how proud he is to have Wei Wuxian as family. These brothers and their straightforward speech, how is he supposed to respond to that?! Between the pair of them, his heart is going to give out, he just knows it.
His throat feels tight as another quiet moment passes and he tries to compose himself enough to answer. It's a good thing Dabo can't see his face right now, or he'd glimpse the tears he wasn't able to hold back- even so, he might catch a stray sniffle, covered by a hasty cough.]
That's, ah...
Dabo, you have to warn me if you're gonna say things like that!
[He deflects with a short laugh, shaking his head.]
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to know. Lan Zhan told me some of it, but I'm sure there was plenty more he didn't say.
It's- why me, I guess? Did I piss him off? Insult his family?
[He sighs, clicking his tongue faintly.]
Really, I just want to know if I need to be worried. If he's got a grudge against me, let him come against me, as long as he leaves the rest of my family out of it.
no subject
[ There's warmth in his voice, mostly fondness, though he would be lying if he said there wasn't a hint of amused exasperation. Now that he has gotten to know both Wuxian and Wanyin better, it is easy to see how similar the brothers are when it comes to deflecting someone showing genuine care and concern for them - though one with humor, and the other with irritation.
Wuxian's questions leave him quiet for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts. ]
It is not a satisfying answer, but I don't believe it was personal. I think you were... convenient. There was a gap in power, after Wen Ruohan was defeated, and I suspect Jin Guangshan would have done many things to ensure that he was the one to fill it. The rest of us were in such precarious positions after the war, and he made sure each of us stayed that way. Mingjue and myself through our sworn brotherhood with Jin Guangyao, among other things, and Wanyin through your sister's marriage and by driving a wedge between him and you. By rallying the other sects against you, and making you the next villain to be slain - and this time no one could say the Jin did not take an active role, that they did not suffer loss.
[ It is both strange and not, to be speaking so frankly with Wuxian about this. At the time, it had felt impossible to have such a talk about politics with him - now it feels impossible that he did not. But then, neither of them were the men they are now, back when the war was only just over. ]
I cannot be certain how much of it was A-Y- [ He falters, briefly, then continues. ] How much was Jin Guangyao's idea, and how much was his father's. I would like to believe that it was Jin Guangshan who turned his sights on you. That it was him who wanted Mingjue dead, because he was a threat to his power. But I know it was Jin Guangyao who decided to kill his brother and his father.
Perhaps I am still being foolish, believing that it was that Jin Guangyao chose his father over his sworn brothers, and did what he had to in order to earn his approval, only to be too far gone by the time he realized he would never have it.
[ He'd gone very quiet for that last bit, voice hollow with grief and regret and anger and more things that he can't even name. He pulls in a breath and lets it out. ]
Regardless, your family would - ah, I am supposed to warn you before I say something sentimental. [ He pauses briefly, to let that be the warning. ] Your family will not allow anyone to come against you.
no subject
Makes as much sense as anything else. Jin Guangshan had it out for me ever since he set eyes on that scrap of iron. I couldn't let another powerful and intolerant sect start ruling the rest because of a handful of metal.
[He shook his head. Not that he had to explain that to Lan Xichen. Lan Zhan's older brother had been nothing but accepting (okay, maybe a little protective of his brother) and welcoming into their family.]
At least there's little chance of any of that here. No cultivation world, no sects, no power struggles.
[Well, that wasn't entirely true, he supposed, since they were allowing the gembonded to take up governmental positions now, and they were woefully short on information about the world beyond what was right in front of them, but still... it was nothing like back home.
Besides, both Lan Xichen and his elder sister had hearts in common, open and trusting and precious to those around them. If it were only his own life in peril, Wei Wuxian couldn't imagine holding a grudge. He hadn't burned his candle at both ends, he'd thrown the whole thing into the fire.
It was just... when people like Dabo, like Shijie were hurt... that was much harder to forgive.
He opens his mouth to say so, but- even with warning, he can feel his breath catch in his throat, his words stuck, and a heat behind his eyes. What he wouldn't have given to hear those words from his own brother. Not that he held any blame or contempt for Jiang Cheng; he knew his sect-brother's position had been difficult, and even so he'd still tried to offer Wei Wuxian a way out. Even if he'd heard such a thing, Wei Wuxian would have only dug in his heels and refused all the more. He'd been so determined not to drag anyone down with him that he'd left his family open to let others do it instead.]
That's...
[He replies a bit thickly, swallowing down the threatening tears. There were no such conflicts here. Who could say what the future held, what returning would mean? To have family who want to protect him, who offer it so openly... he can't refuse, but he won't allow anyone to hurt his family again either. At least this time, maybe they can all share the same goal; to make the most of what they've been given.]
Stealing a-all the good lines, I see.
[His voice comes out a bit shakier than usual, as he tries to hide behind his usual humor. There's a short pause before he adds, with some sincerity:]
I have a second chance, don't worry Dabo, I don't intend to waste it.